2023, farewell!
A few nights ago, I took a walk to my usual favourite place where I like to watch the traffic go by. It was the last full moon of the year, so I decided to spend some time there, under the moonlight. I sat and stared out at the traffic thinking about how 2023 has been for me, how this new chapter of adulthood has turned out and I realised that adulthood just isn’t working for me. At all.
Last year, I looked at 2023 as a lifeline after 2022. I was so hopeful, but 2023 knocked me clean out. There was just no way I could have predicted anything that would have happened; it was just hit after hit after hit! So overwhelming and difficult!!! A largely ugly year with flashes of beauty here and there…
Here are three small moments of happiness from 2023. Just three…
1. Meeting friends; old and new – I met so many lovely people this year. A few I’ve met before, and a few I met for the first time. One thing that will stay with me for the rest of my life is the kindness of these people whom I had met for the first time, especially those I hadn’t known all that long. I felt changed and wished to give that feeling of having met a good person to everyone I encountered afterwards. I’m not sure when I will be able to meet those people again, but I think of them often and I hope that 2024 will treat them with the same kindness that they showed me when we first met. I hope I can meet a lot of new lovely people in 2024, too.
2. Finally releasing a song on Spotify – I don’t know if I’m happy about this to be exact, but I’m just glad I finally did it. I look at it as the first step towards something I should’ve started a long time ago. I often feel inadequate about my songwriting. It didn’t feel particularly special, but I’ve been trying hard to let go of that self-saboteur and have more self-belief. I have to thank the few people who tell me they like my songs for that… People seem to like ‘Moon’ a lot. I didn’t think much of it when I wrote it. It’s not the first song I’ve written, but it’s the first song that I’ve written with the real intention of having people listen. People have been, and continue to be, very nice about it. It always surprises me when friends say that they like it. It surprises me even more when people who don’t know me say they like it. It’s a different feeling… I’m grateful for the appreciation. I have a feeling that this song is going to become something important to me in the future and will remain so for a long time to come.
I’ve had this dream of being a musician, being a rock star or frontwoman of a band in the vein of Debbie Harry or Patti Smith for as long as I can remember. The older I get, the more I feel like it’s slipping out of my grasp but as 2023 progressed and the deeper I headed into that “serious adult” mindset, I realised I wasn’t doing myself any favours. I don’t know why I put so much weight on my age as a cut-off point for my dreams. The most important thing is passion and that passion, despite everything and all the years that have passed, is still here. I’m reminded of something a friend said to me recently. I didn’t know until I read those words but it was something I needed…
Adulthood is inevitable but it doesn’t need to be the death of childhood dreams. Sometimes I like to think of musicians like Debbie Harry and Leonard Cohen, both icons of punk rock and folk rock, who didn’t start their musical journeys or reach fame until they turned 31 and 33 respectively. Perhaps there’s still time for me yet.
3. JANNABI – There was no way I would let this year completely pass without talking about this on here lol, but meeting JANNABI and finally being able to see them perform live was the high point of this ghastly year. The culmination of many unruly stars aligning in my favour for once… ‘Amor Fati’… I remember how it felt to watch them on that stage. That passion, every movement, every last breath, it felt like they were performing for their lives.
This moment also helped me to realise that I don’t truly know how far my reach on the internet is, or who might be watching. It still blows me every time I remember Junghoon knew who I was as soon as I walked into the room. The words “I saw you on Instagram, I saw you playing guitar on Instagram!” still ring out in my head…
There was a point earlier in the year where I felt like what I was doing with these guitar covers was kinda pointless and I thought about quitting them all together, but this moment kinda made it all worth it. I wish we had more time to talk, though! It was so brief but I will cherish that moment forever…
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Despite my best intentions, 2023 had plans of its own, but this evening I wrote a letter to my future self, from 2023 Zain to 2024 Zain. I didn’t have anything concrete in mind when I started writing it but the words spilled onto the pages. I tried to set some achievable goals with a blanket of vagueness. A little leeway, or a safety net since 2023 was so unforgiving. I started to tear up a little while writing it because I noticed that I started changing how I was addressing myself in the letter. I, We and Us turned to ‘You’. All those hopes, wishes and dreams somehow didn’t belong to me but belonged to this future self. They were to be her achievements, not mine. Despite being the same person separated by just one year, I already see 2024 Zain as a completely different person and I hope that’s true.
I don’t want another year where I just recap an onslaught of failures, and I know people are sick of reading about it too!
There are things that I want to change forever. Things I want to leave behind for good to make way for the life I have always dreamed of living. 2023 taught me that I’m happiest when I stop trying so hard to be a serious adult and focused on keeping the passions that I had as a kid alive, trying to make those my reason for being. Being excited by music, keeping the “rock star” dream alive as a place to escape to. I embraced that side of me a lot more this year. Life is quite absurd, so it made things a bit easier to not take it so seriously and that’s the only part that I don’t want to change.
Work hard but stay childish and passionate! Modus operandi for 2024. I want 2024 Zain to be a changed person with that same passion burning even more! It’s what’s kept me going and I don’t ever want to let that go.
So goodbye 2023, and welcome 2024 — I hope this year will treat us all well!
P.S. Anybody wishing on my downfall in 2024 is going straight to hell, I don’t make the rules, I have the Year of the Dragon on my side.